A Contagion of Conciliation and Congeniality: A Welcome Departure

A welcome break from all the conflict, acrimony, and rancor, that is...

Quotable Quotes, Timely Advice: "While reasonable minds may differ, may cooler minds prevail"                                                                 "More reasonable people have disagreed"                                                                                                   "You can disagree without being disagreeable" - Ruth Bader Ginsburg                                                         "We should all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger"                                                                -James: 1:19                                                                                                                                                "We'll leave the lights on for you" -Tom Bodett, for Motel Six   

Agree to Disagree: The reality that no matter how compatible we are as business partners, BFF's, or mates (let alone less friendly fellows), it is inevitable we are going to encounter disagreements (see The Big Three, October 5th post). So it is not whether but how we go about the business of discussing 'touchy' subjects (especially during this time of 'no touching') that either bonds us further or contributes to a 'house divided'. I offer only a few guiding principles here on a topic that has been studied and written about extensively for centuries now (deservedly). That is, how to sustain civil discourse, mutual respect, and even intimacy in the presence of disagreement, especially about topics and issues in which we have a greater investment, those we are more passionate about.

Be a Good Debater: If you have ever witnessed or participated in a formal, refereed debate, you already know you don't always get to choose the position you are about to argue for or against. A highly valuable exercise designed to foster a few of the characteristics of a refined, sophisticated debater. This includes the ability to assume or at least temporarily adopt the others' perspective, so as to not get 'blindsided'. Another is to avoid getting too emotionally attached to one side of an argument, so as to minimize the neglect, denial, or obfuscation of potentially important information. Given these aspirational traits, how would you judge the recent debates and respective debaters (going back several years and at least two election cycles)? 

Welcoming, Approachable: Regardless of age or circumstance, almost without exception, individuals who are trying to improve COMMUNICATION assert they want to be approachable to others. My operational definition of this critical attribute, a bedrock for all intimate relationships, is that you can walk away after hearing a difficult message and say, "Wow, I'm glad I had my seatbelt on to hear that, but I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me; Thank You" This is not a sign of agreement or commitment to a specific action (yet) but projects the ability to process even controversial messages (think Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men": "The truth?! You can't handle the truth!") So, are you approachable; well, are you?

Is Anybody Listening? My collective professional and personal experience informs me that people are doing plenty of speaking, but whose listening? Hardly a week goes by that I don't get a voice mail or email, disclosing something they simply wanted someone to listen to or read, as "no one else is around...you can delete this when you are done and I don't need a call back; I just appreciate you listening". Especially in this age of increased 'messaging', how many of us actually take the time out to really listen and/or process messages before responding? Mea culpa! Regarding messaging in particular, I tell teens (and adults) they should never put in text what they wouldn't say on the phone, and they shouldn't say on the phone what they wouldn't have the conviction to say in person. Lastly, would they be willing to write such statements in their own hand, to be judged by time immemorial? 

Having A Voice:  As a speech coaches inform us, our voices contain at least three dimensions that have impact on others. Namely, volume, tone, and cadence, which in turn interact with the content of our message. So, what do others hear, what do you hear yourself -- calm and welcoming or harsh and 'off putting'?

People to People: In 1956, President Eisenhower launched a program by the same name, in an attempt to build bridges and ties between nations (through 'youth ambassadors'), to break down walls and stereotypes, which ultimately reduces the probability we will declare war on one another. The implications for our current national, local, and family circumstances are numerous indeed.

Question/Assignment: Given the instrumental value of physical and otherwise meaningful contact in sustaining civility and congeniality, and the current distancing trend we find ourselves in, what creative means would you use to bridge this divide? Comments, suggestions...WELCOME!