Shaming, Blaming, Faming: It's what's trending...

CelebrateUS Interruptus? It's only been 24 hours since we all put on a HAPPY face, in celebrating IHD (see arch 20th post for an infusion of "HAPPY" if you missed it). Whether we were in fact experiencing this state of mind and emotion in its fullness, or tried to 'fake it till I make it'. In either case, opening up my newsfeed this morning, I am reminded that, while we continue to have plenty to be grateful for and opportunities to express gratitude to each other even when distanced, there were current events reminding me of the time honored propensity of shunning shame and blame, while claiming fame. Even a quick glimpse of national or international news reaffirms this, ranging from whose to blame for the inequitable distribution of vaccines, to the horrific events overseas in which children are now being used as targets of terror, to the self-congratulations for the swift delivery of 'stimulus checks'. I take this opportunity to briefly discuss the important distinctions among guilt, shame, and remorse, as well as those of pride and fame. We hear and use these terms daily, but don't often pause and reflect on their 'underlying' meanings (i.e., not fully conscious of what we really mean and the potential impact on our personal growth).   

Coming to Terms, Strictly Speaking: The difference between guilt and shame, at first seems minimal,  based on our daily usage, but is actually quite remarkable when it comes to the psychological ramifications. We had animated debates in our graduate level psychology classes on these two constructs and reached a consensus that guilt (the state of mind/emotion of a person who is aware they committed an offense, especially consciously...you knew it was wrong, likely to negatively impact another, and did it anyway), was more 'transient' and more readily resolved than shame (a painful experience of humiliation and/or regret caused by the consciousness of wrongdoing or foolish behavior), which tends to be more enduring and potentially more transformative. On a practical level, if you just think about it, if our mother was angry with us for something we did/didn't do, we might have felt guilty and set about to do some type of 'penance' to set things right (including an apology to our parents or sibling). On the other hand, if instead of her saying "I'm ashamed of what you did, the phrase was changed to "you should be ashamed of yourself", it was a tacit attempt to have us engage our conscience at a deeper level. That is, even if we resolve to address her (mother's, for example) profound disappointment in us, if we ourselves are not 'ashamed', we might not make enduring changes. In a corollary manner, when our parents told us "we are proud of you", we eventually realized that, while this was an important affirmation, it was not sufficient to sustain us, until we internalized a sense of accomplishment that became more personal. When viewing the troubling articles that report on travesties of inhumanity, we ask ourselves how such people can live with themselves ("don't they feel guilty, ashamed?!")--a good question and, while the true/complete answer is embedded in a highly complex set of historical, political, and group think dynamics (including 'victimology' -- see March 6th post), it is instructive to pause and reflect on on our own tendencies to explain away, make excuses, deflect blame and (my favorite), rationalize (we are, after all, rational people, right?). 

Who's to blame--guilt misapplied: A special 'attachment' to the issues of guilt and shame is the frequent experience in my office (more often with women, especially mothers), where the person disclosing the experience of guilt (e.g. "I feel guilty because they were upset" or "It left me feeling guilty") is actually a misdiagnosis. That is, it often occurs when the person expressing this has not done anything wrong, but perhaps failed to please another. They are more likely experiencing a dimension of compassion and caring, wanting everyone to be happy. In these cases, we get out the Thesaurus and find other words that more accurately describe their internal state of affairs, such as "misgivings", "trepidation", or "disquietude" (when was the last time you used the latter in your self-description?). In the meantime, the 'other' person, the one who has perhaps been pressuring or trying to exploit person #1's feelings, is likely walking around feeling guilt-free...

On the other hand: taking pride in our accomplishments, a job well done, as our parents taught us, is a good thing, while being full of pride or prideful, boasting, being not-so-good. A question of amounts and whether accompanied by humility, to acknowledge the hands of others instrumental to our success as well. I remember the first time I full understood when a politician, following a victory, uttered the words, "I am humbled by this victory, by your endorsement"--according to some dictionaries, is translated as "I don't feel up to your compliment" or "I better try to live up to your investment in me". On the other hand, a political columnist opined that these words are too often disingenuous, as the victory and words of humility are shortly followed by a return to self promotion, aggrandizement, and/or self-congratulations. While we around here are quick to focus on the shameful acts of other individuals, groups, and nations, a question I have been asking many who are celebrating the 'stimulus package' (only one example among many): will those taking credit for you receiving a check or boost in your savings account stand up (if they are still around and ambulatory) and be counted when three, four generations, or more down the road, when waking up to an insurmountable debt, ask, "So who voted for this mess?!"

Supply and Demand: Blame, fame always in supply; humility and shame now in demand.