From Awe Inspiring to Jaw Tiring (Cringe Worthy)...Speaking of Commencement, Speakers

"The eyes of the world are upon you. The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you" - 6-6-44

Seated, in good company, look who's talking now...Yep, it's that time of year again, when college students, their classmates, and families, assemble to celebrate their achievement, their anticipated graduation, and their formal entry into the world of work (many of them have never held a real job based on my time on campus, the stories my classmates shared at the end of summer), a stage many of them will wonder "Is this what I wished for the last several years, I want to go back to college!" Of course, this year's 'assembly' will still be a bit different from those in years past, as well as those we hope for in the future, after the vicissitudes of the pandemic are done visiting. I'm not going to comment much more on that, as it's stating the obvious and we are all SO DONE...Instead, I'll concentrate on one of my favorite past times, especially this time of year -- checking out who is speaking at various commencements, ranging from grade school (where I frequently ask 'graduates' "Did somebody actually get left behind?") to the more formally covered college graduation ceremonies. I like to see who they selected (including student speakers),  how they got selected, and what they actually said...including in the past tense, to see if it was actually memorable...ranging from those that have gone viral, to forgettable (most), to those the speakers in retrospect hope we will forget...speakers themselves would be wise to remember that no matter how famous they may be, the graduates et al. by this time have a pretty short attention span; they have come to hear a few pieces of traditional processionals to be followed by a few brief speeches, to be followed by receiving that piece of paper they attended college for, to be followed by a rousing recessional...all of which will be a blur to many. SO speakers, remember it's NOT about YOU! 

Having said that...I would offer you graduates (and anyone else who cares to peer in to this space where there is no restriction on assembly and no mask wearing required) a few words, numbers to commit to memory, and quotable quotes we can all relate to. And I can guarantee, this is not a speech that you will easily forget...

Buy the numbers: Just a few numbers to commit to memory, so as to not tax your noggin after this many years of brain drain: as you embark on your career paths, according to U.S. Department of Labor stats, the average tenure per work placement is 4.3 years for males, 4.0 for females -- job placements which will for a good percentage of you be spent paying off student loans, an average of 19.7 years for undergraduate degrees, 23 years for graduate degrees, according to one recent NGO study...BUT  you'll be paying them off with much more bucks than you would otherwise -- $337/week more with a bachelor's degree than a mere associate's degree, and a whopping $461/week more than a high school grad after about five years into your career, proving once again that college is a solid investment rather than just a bad debt, eventually coming out on the right side of the ledger...Speaking of the right side... 

The right side of  history: Where we want and aspire to be..."The eyes of the world..." speech by General Dwight D. Eisenhower on the precipice of "Operation Overlord" (D-Day), 77 years and five days ago, remains one of the most quoted and analyzed speeches (letters) by historians and speech writers alike. Analyzed for it's per word impact, how he arrived at the final speech after a few rewrites, and how he prepared a 'backup' letter in case the mission went badly -- a letter in which he would take full responsibility, the kind of humility we don't always see at many levels of leadership these days in this 'blameless' and/or "there's plenty of blame to go around" world in which we now find ourselves. There is no comparison to be drawn here between what the troops were about to face and that of our college grads. I am presenting this to illustrate first, what a strong, effective, and brief speech/letter can look like, and how those preparing such words would always be wise to have a 'Plan B', AND to illustrate a common theme that many commencement speakers draw on, which is the grads' potential place in history, their attempts to provoke both past and future thinking. 

Speaking of which...after all these years and words spoken to graduates, it turns out that Mr. McGuire was right -- that, "the future, Benjamin, is in plastics..." ("The Graduate" - 1967). The future and popularity of plastics has ebbed and flowed since this advice was given to the new college grad, just before he was distracted by Mrs. Robinson, and was under acute threat recently when the list of the "Top 20" corporations that utilized and produced 'single use' plastics was published, as those (potential grads) may want to avoid, BUT was even more recently rescued by some enterprising folks who adapted these plastics to making clothes. Yep, the cap and gown you are wearing today, dear graduate, is made from such recycled garbage. In wearing these today, you are committing yet one more act of rebellion before formally leaving home...which is dressing TRASHY when going out in public! 

Speaking of rebellion...please don't ever lose your spirit of rebelliousness, as it will help shape a better world. But if you'll briefly glance at the video screen behind me you'll see a few scenes in 'real time' from around the world that are happening as we celebrate your accomplishment, people and circumstances screaming for our attention, for justice, for you to step in and 'rebel' on their behalf; feel ready? Do you feel gutsy?

Speaking of gutsy...no surprise, turns out your mother also comes out on the right side of history when she exhorted us to "Eat your vegetables!", as a recent comparative study demonstrated the advantage consuming such fiber provided to health care workers exposed to COVID, due to fiber being able to get through to our guts, to assist the microbes and bacteria that work on our behalf...

Speaking again of gutsy...the game of "Guts" you learned to play in your dorm hallway, to the dismay of your RA's and others in charge of dorm safety, a game involving a Frisbee, two or more individuals, and perhaps consumption of something to facilitate a combo of bravery and stupidity...

Finally, speaking of Frisbees...I have two parting gifts to commemorate your achievement and this special day...if you'll reach inside the pocket of your gown you'll find a Kazoo, which contains a microchip with a recording of the school fight song designed to go off simultaneously with the end of this speech, just in case we weren't able to play them if still required to wear masks (part of my Plan B) AND, when you cross the stage you'll receive a Frisbee, which has your student number on one side and a microchip on the other, a microchip that has become necessary as the printing company of your diplomas has been hacked and being held ransom -- the only way we can get your diploma to you in a timely manner is if we all chip' in...so if you'll just get out your phone now and for one last time put in your parents' credit card number...

OK that's all from me, congrats, good luck and DISMISSED! (told you you'd not forget this one!)