Finally, finale...(zoom) lights, (computer, smart phone) camera...Click! 

Back, In, to Reality: So, you've about had it, with both this series on "Terms of Engagement", as well as engagements from a distance, and you are longing for an end to this series, for some actual concrete strategies for Upping Yours (September 10th), as well as some real, 'in vivo' (a term often used in psychology after we have practiced in the office 'in vitro', and feel you are ready for the real thing). And, as the director of this play, I've taken you through a prescreening to remind you of your personality, you predispositions when it comes to approaching and departing, the importance of sustaining mental, physical, and physical engagements for your well-being, including and especially during times and situations where you feel restricted...well, finally, I will reveal some tricks of the trade, which are actually derived from YOU (i.e., stuff that's not found in text books but gleaned from my own engagements with ALL of YOU over the years (still learning). So, these are actually things YOU have been doing all along; I just want to help YOU do them better, to add value. Timely, I'd say, given that most of US are preparing or have already started to enter situations we haven't in a while...

Pregame, Mindset, Intel:  As referenced in a few preceding posts, rehearsal is always called for and always helps, but is never sufficient...no matter how many times you have practiced, gone over game film from previous encounters, gone over and over in your mind how you are going to approach this, there is no replacement for the real thing, actual engagement. But, time to pause, if only briefly, to ask:

1. What are your goals? Even if it's to abbreviate an encounter, keep it at a bare minimum, which is often the case when we are about to encounter (or find ourselves in the midst of one) with a challenging/difficult individual where 'risk management' or 'damage control' is about the best outcome we can expect...such as with a "Terrible Two" prone to tantrums or, just as likely, a Grown Up one...

2. How did it go? As in, based on the vast accumulation of similar such episodes, situations, encounters, what worked best, even if less-than-perfect? Are you gonna try the same thing you have a thousand times  before and expect a different result? This, short of avoiding it altogether... Athletes, actors, presidential aspirants all benefit from pregame film, Intel, rehearsal...doesn't guarantee a result, but still called for...

3. Anticipate, Q&A: Whether you are going to a dinner party or a job interview, what are questions you are likely and unlikely to be asked, and what can you in turn ask them? I remain amazed how many people go in unprepared -- its one thing to be extemporaneous, spontaneous, do some improv, but another thing to be ill-prepared. On a general level, outside of actual rehearsal, what can you do to make yourself an interesting person by what you read, watch, and do, rather than just one dimensional, repetitive...always opportunities here...

4. Find the Exits, 'Xanax in my Purse': Whether you are socially awkward to begin with or you are experiencing a bit of trepidation about this particular situation, I always suggest that in order to enter a situation, rehearse a graceful exit. Over the years, this has actually been one of the simplest, value added strategies for people to enter, sustain, and exit more confidently, smoothly. For it's when we anticipate being trapped, feel there is no where out (including in a conversation where there seems like there's no end in sight). More on this later...

In the Thick of It, The Gathering: So, how's it goin' so far, as you've found a way to enter a situation, conversation, interview? Very fluid, dynamic...

1. Geometric proportions: as in the relationship between two things...or two people. We all start out as youngsters, doing what child psychologists call 'parallel play', meaning side by side, without much interaction, which either suddenly or gradually gives way to more 'interactive play', instigated by one or the other. Both before and during a situation (more for groups) there are opportunities for you, depending on your personality, predisposition, for you to 'position' yourself accordingly. Some people go into a room of unfamiliar people viewing the 'lay of the land', staying near the walls and gradually asking their way around, placing themselves in proximity to conversations they might eventually enter or be invited to, whereas others are the instigators right from the word "GO"...both have value depending on the situation and your goals and, interestingly enough, both types of people may report the same quality of interaction after...

2. Three roles, goal dependent: As I have referenced in several previous posts, YOU and I ALL play three roles in our daily interactions, some of which we can rehearse, some where we find ourselves having to switch gears, at least we might pause and consider if it's called for...That is, the three roles of listener, advisor (as in actively giving advice, sharing opinions) -- as our first clinical psych. professor emphasized, "Don't underestimate the value of listening, anyone can give advice, but..." (timely then and now, eh?)...and the third, probably my favorite, the one I like to think I spend at least most of my time in the office doing, is that of provoking! as in thought provoking questions, conversation starters, comments...Both prior to, and in the midst of an interaction, there is usually either a time (even if just a second or two) to pause and simply ask, "what role is called for here?" Thought provoking itself, many times producing a better result upon reflection...

3. Errors, Oops! As in errors of both commission ("Aw man, I should not have said that, now I gotta' find a way to...") or omission ("Aw man, I should have said something when I had the chance, I'm not sure they think I was listening, how can I...?") WE ALL make these daily, and it's instructive to deliberately weigh out which is more costly ahead of time, which you are more at risk of making, based on thousands of encounters...target rich!

4. Pause, step back: As in exiting temporarily, to regain your composure (hardest to do in the middle of a presentation, I've been there!), based in part on your rehearsal, "Find the Exits" (see above) -- luckily, in this age of cell phones, following the age of pagers (remember those little vibrating, miniature cell phones that were sometimes irritating while other times welcome?), we almost always have the opportunity to gracefully exit for a few minutes, to gather yourself and then rejoining rather than leaving prematurely (as we've rehearsed, an opportunity to say "I'll be right back, I just got a call, a text..."). And historically, as Forrest Gump reminded us, in the simulated encounter with President Kennedy, we can always resort to "I got to pee" (i.e., "Nature's calling") which, at least in the Hollywood version, caused JFK to be charitable, if not enamored...

Postgame, Time for Reflection: So, how did that work out for you? "How was the game, honey?" as in  a parent to a child. Usually best to do while still fresh, but there's exceptions and our children may very well remind us "Not now!" Whether it went well, you consider it a big win, or a fail! Always good to do this, even if only in brief. Coaches and directors with professional athletes and actors, respectively, do this, why shouldn't you have the same benefit? 

Timely advice, caveats: Don't get too haughty after a win, a time for humility, reflected in a recent interview with an athlete "It's not time yet to celebrate, the season has just begun, there's another game tomorrow..." And the interview with the musician: "Yeah, you thought it was perfect, as you didn't notice the one note I missed, but it sure was awesome to be able to perform for you..." Or too down after a loss, reflected in another interview "I don't have time to dwell on that, as there's another game tomorrow..." Self Correction always called for, whereas self-depreciation, recrimination serves no purpose here. Always opportunity to learn from game film, especially with a strong, effective coach/director: "Whether we won or lost by three touchdowns, first I'm gonna' show you what you did right, now I'm gonna' show what you can do better" Usually met with "Please do, that's why you're the coach!"

Back to the Future: And so it goes, from prepping, to 'in vivo', to reflection, post-game analysis, an ongoing learning curve for engaging life on our own terms..."Terms of Engagement -- It's a Wrap!" Well, not quite yet, for there's always tomorrow...