Raising Cain, What a (Mis)Match; what an exercise in futility...utility! 

A Historical Perspective: Whose to blame, primarily responsible, spheres of influence, in shaping a child's, eventually an adult's personality, CHARACTER has, of course, been a HUGE topic, a considerable preoccupation of psychologists since psychology became a legit area of study and eventually produced...well, psychologists of course (we, psychologists frequently get accused of wandering into this field because we can't figure ourselves out so we focus on others as a distraction😖). A few major schools of thought regarding the early forces of influence on the development of child/adult personality range from Freud and his theory regarding fixations (e.g., if certain things do/don't happen during certain early stages an individual can continue to be preoccupied, or 'fixated'...many times implicating the mother, of course!) to the B.F. Skinner and the Behaviorists (the main theory of "operant conditioning", the belief you could shape any child's behavior in any direction, given the correct application of positive/negative reinforcement)...both admittedly a condensed version even for Reader's Digest, but you get the idea, you've had intro to psychology, right? Well, in the early 1950's three researchers (namely, Thomas, Chess, and Birch, sounds like a law firm, eh?) came at this important area of study from a different perspective and were able to demonstrate through a major undertaking, studying infants forward for decades ("New York Longitudinal Study"), that babies bring with them, prior to any active parenting (other than that represented by parents talking, singing to them while in utero), some strong predispositions (9 early temperament traits they elucidated) that in turn interact with the powerful forces of environment (aka parents, other caregivers, other adults they encounter regularly), which becomes the matrix or crucible for the development of a myriad of early temperaments and eventually more established personalities...

Raising Cain, Goodness of Fits! The nine early temperament traits, predispositions, interacting with environment (and mathematics) implies too many potential personalities to count, thank goodness -- vive la diffe'rence! But three sizable groups became a main focus of subsequent studies: those of the "Easy Children" (which made up approx. 40% of the original group of youngsters, and whose hallmarks include "adjust easy to new situations, generally cheerful and calm"...So Sweet!); "Difficult Children" (approx. 10% of the sample, being by 'nature' "very slow to adapt, likely to react negatively and intensely...bad combo...frequently referred to as "negative persistence"...even "strong-willed"...very challenging, very draining...UGH, help!!!); and the "Slow-to-Warm-Up Children" (about 15% -- "somewhat difficult at first but can become either the "easy" or "difficult" child over time based on consistent approach or parents et al.) In predicting both short and long term outcomes, the "Difficult Child" was at risk for both more conflicts with others, various behavioral disorders (including "Oppositional Defiant Disorder") and some emotional disorders as well. But the trio of researchers also found that, over time, given the right approach, applied over and over and over...could gradually even shape a "difficult" into something more adaptive, successful, a more 'favorable fellow'...IF the parents and others in such a position to be 'lucky' enough to have regular encounters with such a youngster accepted their critical role, which was in turn incorporated into awareness of their own temperament...which gave rise to the 'goodness of fit' discussion...the reality that there really are personality conflicts, it's not always just the child's difficult temperament that factors in, whether at home or at school. The role of the parent(s), then, is to first to be aware of these traits in yourself as well as in junior and then to adapt yourself, your approach accordingly--not by simply caving in to the "challenging" child's demands (I actually emphasize the importance of the parents demonstrating to such a youngster we are intending on 'out-persisting' them, especially if the parents were too readily caving prior)--it's more in how we persist in response to the child's 'negative persistence'...a steady, business like, matter-fact-tone...sound easy? If it was, you would have already done this. It takes acceptance, rehearsal, and some initial labor intensive work, followed by a very gradual easing, abbreviation of negative encounters (requiring some close monitoring, measurements, metrics in order to demo to parents they are gaining ground), which ends up...saving energy and giving rise to the opportunity to have more positive time...YEAH! 

More on this later, but note how some understanding, perspective, may alleviate you as a parent (or, in other cases, a spouse, sibling, friend, your boss...) spending futile time in mutually destructive power struggles...the utility of a more enlightened approach to such "difficult" individuals (certainly, it's NOT US😁!)