Shaping (A) Character, Dealing with Defiance: Finding (dis) Harmony (1 of 3?)

Talk about futility...utility, exercises: Shaping the trait of defiance, that is. Taking on the challenge of "bending their will, short of breaking their (or your) spirit..." Going from daily, what seems to be continuous encounters of conflict, to (relative) harmony...with children (or adults you are forced to deal with on a frequent basis due to proximity, whether at home, work, whose company you have probably had the pleasure of keeping even more the past several months), whose primary personality feature seems to lead with "Wanna' fight?!"...so "Oppositional", so "Off Putting", such a "Pain in (my) butt"! Well, if you are forced to deal with them and don't want to either "beat 'em or join 'em", then you'll probably appreciate this post(s) embedded within the larger series on "Character". 

A Fan Favorite: Throughout history, that is. Why else would TV/Netflix series, movies, and docudramas featuring defiance keep coming our way? Because ratings of our individual and collective preferences show that we salivate for this type of behavior. We LOVE vicarious defiance, watch others act it out, watch others have to deal with it; we just don't want it at home, right? Well, whether you are a parent or you have been parented (all inclusive club) you have experienced all sides of this trait, the "good, bad, and the ugly", whether up close and personal, or from a distance, whether you have found yourself timed out, having others walk away ("Is it me, am I that off-putting?") or you have distanced yourself from such a "difficult" person ("I had to rid myself from this friend, when I found out how toxic she was, how she was actively trying to split all of us..."). So, we can all relate. But this takes on more significance, goes beyond a casual type of TV viewing when it's a prominent feature of daily life in your home, when either a child, sibling, parent...or spouse (!) depicts defiance as the leading edge of their persona, reflected by their daily behavior.

Early and Often: Developmentally and daily, that is. From when a child hits the "terrible two's" to "teen-age rebellion, adolescent angst", we as parents (depending on the age of your cherubs) have encountered various stages, the introduction and then full-on manifestations of defiance (and, if you are lecturing your child about this in the presence of their grandparents, they may very well hear accounts of your own, momentarily undermining your own authority). And, for those living with what is referred to in the "Temperament" literature (see October 29th post) as "Difficult Children", those who seem so inclined to NEGATIVE PERSISTENCE!, you grown accustomed to daily encounters, perhaps even from dawn ("Do I even want to wake them?") to...dusk ("I'm so done with this, just want a break from all this negativity...hopefully, tomorrow..."). Unavoidable. Inevitable. Unrelenting. If we have to do this, we may as well get good at it. If someone is going to have this as a hallmark of their person, how can we, as a team, (re)shape this over time (I usually have to rebuild the team by the time they have arrived at my office), to avoid the two pitfalls, of either "beating or joining..." ? 

 

NEXT: One Last Dance, Chance